Unwinding Trauma from the Body.
Living with unresolved traumatic stress in the body may mean that normal everyday experiences like a friendly hug, a vacation, or a doctor’s office appointment feel unsafe and unwanted. Old nervous system responses to past traumatic experiences may be deeply grooved into the body in ways that result in unwanted or unsupportive physiologic reactions to things in the present day. Recognizing these patterns is key to expanding opportunities to live in relationship with what truly matters to us.
While we may want and long for greater aliveness, erotic freedom, and juiciness, or feel we ‘should’ be able to enjoy sex, we may find we’re not able to ‘think’ our way into this desired reality. We may try to override our physiology with conscious decisions to have sex - however, our Old Stuff may show up, and we might find our responses of fighting, flighting, freezing, appeasing, and dissociating arriving during or after the experience. Making a decision to pursue sex that is not interwoven with the body, spirit, and emotion may end up causing a deepening of traumatic pathways, experiences and patterns.
One of the first steps to include the body during sex is to seek a sense of grounded safety, and to gently unwind these old patterns from our bodies. We need a felt sense of having a supportive environment, resources that serve us, as well as patience and compassion for ourselves. We need greater clarity of our patterns, and tools to help soften, unwind, and re-enliven the body from our Old Stuff that no longer serves.
Often unresolved trauma leaves us feeling off-balance - ungrounded, with frozen or numb or painful body parts, racing hearts, shaking limbs, challenged breath, and more. Gradually building resources and finding physiologic safety and stability in our bodies opens doorways to greater possibility and pleasure. These resources support us in feeling safe enough and brave enough to erotically explore. And, support us when challenges get unmanageable by being places of refuge - either outside of our bodies or within.
Through a blend of approaches, we may find our ways forward towards greater aliveness and resiliency by gently engaging with finding safe places in our bodies, memories, and environments; exploring our choice and voice; evolving loving kindness; connecting with our centre of gravity; identifying our triggers and their symptoms; re-engaging the body through intentional movement and exercise; and practice engaging both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system branches in safe enough ways to feel and notice both the excitement or anxiety of aliveness as well as the bliss or depression of stillness.
As we build up our toolboxes of resources that support us in thawing and feeling ourselves more deeply, the magic is in taking a neuroplastic approach to healing. We know that the brain and body continually evolves in relationship with their environments - it is never too late to make the choice to affect change and make moves towards what is longed for. Finding practices that feel pleasurable and sustainable, while determining what kind of consistency is sustainable is key. Five minutes of daily care is more supportive than 30 minutes once a week, or 3 hours once a month.
Whether support is desired in grounding and centering yourself, developing self-soothing and self-stimulation resources, or cultivating your compassionate witness, I’d be delighted to offer the tools I’ve learnt to help during moments of anxiety, depression, overwhelm, or traumatic stress, as well as resources to slowly unfold into feelings of pleasure, bliss, and aliveness.
Here are a few practices that might be fun to explore, if it feels right!
Grounding and centering helps create a feeling that we cannot be knocked off-balance by emotions, sensations, or thoughts. Perhaps explore standing your ground. Feel your feet on the ground, almost like suction cups. Notice the springiness or stiffness of your legs. With feet firmly planted like a well-rooted tree, sway slowly from the ankles - from side to side, from front to back. Keep your balance as you sway, feeling into the limits of possibility. How far from your personal centre can you safely sway, in this particular stance, at this particular moment? Feel the pull in you to keep coming back to center.
When our systems get activated into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we need self-soothing and self-stimulating behaviours to calm and comfort ourselves. We tend to develop a collection of practices to support ourselves, however, sometimes the behaviours we practice may not support us in the long run. Perhaps explore getting physical. Self-regulating behaviours need to be physical in order to regulate the autonomic nervous system. We may find we are already engaging in self-regulating behaviours naturally and unconsciously. Finger and foot-tapping, rocking, blinking and playing with objects are ways to self-regulate autonomic nervous system arousal. By tuning into what happens in our bodies as we engage in these behaviours, we gain more awareness of the calming and/or enlivening effect they have on our physiology. Walk. Run. Skip rope. Play ball. Put on some music and dance. Notice changes in your muscle tension, posture, heartbeat and breath. What is calming and comforting to your body? How are you stimulated to feel more vital and alive?
As we explore healing experiences of trauma, neglect and feelings of shame, some of our greatest tools include cultivating compassion and kindness. Cultivating ‘compassionate witness’ consciousness - viewing one’s own emotions, thoughts and actions with loving detachment - means developing the skills to take a fresh perspective on the anxious rumination and intrusive distressing thoughts that are typical for trauma survivors. Perhaps explore touch as witness. Kindly and compassionately touch yourself. Or, receive kind, compassionate touch from a professional massage therapist or friend. Stay quiet and focus on your experience during the massage instead of chatting. Absorb a sense of being witnessed and cared for into your cells.
With thanks to Caffyn Jesse’s The Science of Sexual Happiness and Emily + Amelia Nagoski’s Burnout.