Self Soothing and Social Media.

I know I’ve written about social media and mental health before, however it is such a pressing topic on my mind that it’s worth a re-visit! And, frankly, a few more re-visits too.

A huge way that I try to cope with stress is through social media. But, I’m not actually succeeding at self soothing. I’m actually checking out from the present moment, and letting a lot of content from the internet into my psyche that I might not actually be consenting to / that feeds the fire of my stress.

There’s a huge amount of subtext floating around on social media apps - the ‘stories underneath the stories’ - and, when we look at the state of the world, it means that all the fear, uncertainty, anger, and unowned baggage that is a part of current life is seeping into our social media content and into each other’s psychologies.

Further, we disconnect from our bodies and enter into a ‘freeze’ state when on social media - right now I’m writing this while hunched over, not breathing properly, with a clenched butt and frozen eyes. Hmmm. 

Comparison culture, FOMO, bandwagoning, and reactive binary thinking thrives on these apps. Which, at least for me, are antithetical to my life intentions that I spend a heck of a lot of time / money / energy on trying to unwind in my ‘real life’ (because social media is not real life).

Emily Nagoski offers some really great education about stress and suggestions for resolving stress in her book Burnout, including:

• physical activity like running, swimming, dancing (this is the single most efficient solution)

• intentional breathing

• positive social interactions

• laughter

• affection

• a big ol’ cry

• creative expression

… and I’m gonna add solo / partnered sex to this list!

We’re all on social for a reason, and I’m not aiming to dismiss that. Yet, I want to be contributing to a conversation that is questioning and investigating the gifts and costs of social media as we navigate self care and community care during the covid era, and I want to be contributing to a conversation of expanding our choice and awareness regarding self care.

Pandemics: turn on or turn off?

There’s a model of sexuality called the dual control model - in this model the premise is that things that hit our ‘gas’ pedals support us in having sex, or ‘turn us on’. And, things that hit our ‘brake’ pedals tell us that sex is not a very good idea or ‘turn us off’.

Turn offs that hit our brakes might be small things like sheets that don’t feel *quite right* or big things like histories of unresolved trauma, systemic oppressions, nosey neighbours, or challenging responsibilities. And, y’know, multi year global crises with abundant death, unemployment, and injustice. Turn ons that hit our gas pedals can include pleasurable spaces to have s e x in, people or fantasies that we resonate with, feeling seen and cared for, and moments of presence.

However! Sexual energy can be trickster energy, and sometimes the opposite of this is true too! Sometimes bodies feel that spicy times are exactly what is needed during times of destabilizing stress and challenge. And, bodies might not feel too spicy at all in relationships that feel safe, secure, and blissful.

So, if you’re sitting around wondering what in the world to do about your low / high sex drive, creative drive, or feelings of aliveness, know that your body is being a super clever (if obstinate and confounding) ally. It might not always feel this way, but, your body is doing what it thinks is right to do given the context you find yourself in.

If *witness you* would prefer things to be different, there are practices and tools that can be explored. Yet, at the end of the day, the journey might also be to perhaps simply watch your patterns and learn what the organic medicine of your body’s wisdom is.

Fuck Sexual Perfectionism.

I ‘came of age’ into a sexual philosophy where I believed that the only way to ‘do the sex thing’ was to give 150% to be as knowledgable, performative, and spicy as I could. And, you know what was missing from the books & messaging that I received? That sex isn’t a job to do. That practicing feeling my body, communicating my desires/needs/boundaries, and following my pleasure is important. That sex often doesn’t look like a single photo or tip in these books.

Learning techniques to level up sexual skill, aesthetics, and knowledge is great, but, at the end of the day, sexual pleasure is about enjoying what authentically feels good. And, spoiler alert - what feels good is sometimes is not very fancy. In fact, what feels good is gonna sometimes be quirky or weird or goofy. But, fuck it. We’re quirky and weird and goofy animals that do what quirky and weird and goofy animals do.

I feel like I’m in danger of creating an either/or dynamic here. Sexual showmanship is hot! Sex nerdery is a joy and love language! People who express sex with artistry are sexy wizards! A triple recipe of spicy sauce that is the perfect shade of red and photographs beautifully for the internet is a-ok!

I just really hope for a world where regardless of what’s on the menu, we taste the recipe as we go, listen to our taste buds about what the recipe needs, and aim for a finished dish that hits the spot… and without making this a new form of perfectionism!

Intentions, Rainbow Joy & Sex Work.

I’m writing this on a day of rare snowfall - a big Jeep is having some fun and dancing in the snow outside my window, and I’m cozied up in wool and longjohns. I’ve got water boiling for mint tea, winter sky is shining in the window, and I'm feeling feelings of curiosity and excitement about writing you.

This last month has been a whirlwind. I had a client fly in for an intensive, which was a real joy and privilege, and I visited Salt Spring Island. While on the island I grew some juicy blisters from hiking up mountains, cuddled with puppies, slept in a sweet little cabin, and had a great time talking with friends about the erotic (my favourite topic). And, I collaborated with a friend regarding intentions for this next year. Intention setting is not a traditional practice for me, but research (and common sense) has shown again and again that having dreams, goals, and values that we express and organize around is important. When we have a guiding star, it can help us as we navigate the details of daily decision making and conversations with greater clarity and purpose. When we get lost in the woods, taking a breath and looking up at our guiding star to help us find out way can (often!) be more help than getting panicked and running about every which way looking for the 'exit' sign. Unless you've got great luck at panicked-midnight-woods-running, that is!

Intention setting is an important value I bring into my Somatic Sex Education work - regardless of what stories, systemic realities, or histories we've experienced, we always have choices available to us. And, this includes when we're exploring sexuality - whether solo or with partners. Harnessing simple & achievable intentions - whether it's an intention to explore sexual healing, or to try out that new butt plug, or to practice self-kindness, can help remind us of our choices, guide erotic experiences, and be a helpful way to re-write sexual ruts, bring meaning into why or how we're exploring eroticism, or weave new or desired experiences into how the erotic is showing up.

I’ve been in a rainbow-y mood this last while - I pulled out my rainbow tie-dyed one-piece long johns yesterday and my day got so so much more interesting once I put them on! I’ve also been working on sewing a rainbow quilt (with lots of mustard yellow!). A friend who is a gifted quilter asked me about this quilt and what the story was. Initially I felt there was no story - I was making it just because it felt like a good idea. I've been thinking about what the story is (see the above points about intention as a guiding influence!) and realized that this rainbow-y quilt is a 'joy practice' journey for me. My body looooveess it when all the colours are mixed together, and I get playful and smile-y. This quilt feels like it connects me to a younger self, and welcomes that self. And, it tips a goofy-hat to irreverence, silliness, and unbridled me-ness.

In other rainbow-y news I bought a new sex toy from Come As You Are that has been a much needed companion through these short days and dark nights. It’s silicone, made with swirly blues and pinks and glitters, and, like so much of the gear that Come As You Are carries, is made in a fair-wage environment. I’m not on their books (anymore) but I still sure do love their selection. Sex toys and I have an on-again / off-again relationship, and this chapter of on-again has been good for my soul.

I often get the question about what my days look like as a Somatic Sex Educator. Each day can be quite different, but, I’d like to take some time in these newsletters to offer little windows into different avenues of how I work… One avenue in which I work is by offering bodywork via traditional sex work lanes. This is less about offering educational sessions regarding the nervous system, attachment, boundaries & communication, pleasure practices, and the other topics that many Somatic Sex Education clients come see me for, and moreso about weaving this knowledge into full body sensual touch sessions. Sometimes people are arriving with a desire to be held in trauma-informed, non-judgemental, and non-oppressive ways, and sometimes people are arriving looking for a professional to offer hands-on education as they learn new erotic practices. And, sometimes folks are looking for a pleasure cruise!

It’s been joyful connecting with clients about what makes them them - their adventuring, handiwork, values. Or, we might talk about the big soup pot on my stove and basket of onions sitting next to it, and then move into a session of full body erotic touch. Cultivating connections across genders and generations has been a delight, as has been the slow magic of witnessing clients unwind and feel themselves in a cozy and unhurried erotic space that is a time away from time. This work that I do has become a cherished part of how I arrive as an educator and a touch provider. I absolutely adore that I have found ways to weave my values (soup is a value, yes?!) into my erotic work.

In fact, I’ve recently decided to publicly offer erotic massage and trauma informed BDSM on my website. Often erotic massage and BDSM might be part of my work with folks seeking a more educational series of sessions, however, I also want to make sure that it's clear I'm available to folks who are interested in having a pleasure cruise! Offering my Sexologic Bodywork training and supporting folks embracing pleasure and joy is pretty much always how I want to be spending my time!

Closing The Orgasm Gap.

The orgasm gap, or pleasure gap, refers to the disparity in orgasm time and enjoyment between two sexual partners. While this can happen in many different types of sexual dynamics, it is most common in parings between cis men and cis women.

Research shows that in heterosexual pairings less than 30% of women orgasm, whereas 90% or more of men do (this number is similar for men’s same-sex or queer pairings). However, in women’s same-sex or queer pairings, there is a significantly higher orgasm rate (up to 83%). And, there is scant or no research available to date on gender non-conforming and trans erotic dynamics and orgasmic experiences. However, there certainly can be wisdom gleaned when reflecting on what early socialization and cultural messaging we have each received as a sexual human being.

This orgasm gap within heterosexual relationships (the relationships that receive the most study!) has been largely summed up as due to the ignorance of the clitoris and it’s critical role in pleasure, as well as lack of communication about women’s sexual arousal and needs within sexual dynamics, plus the misinformation communicated culturally and through porn about sexual pleasure and enjoyment. Do you want to close or narrow the orgasm gap between you and your lover(s)? Here are a few keys to support you!:

COMMUNICATE!

One dynamic at play is the way in which women have been socialized in the realm of communication and assertiveness - and that this socialization dynamic is to the detriment of women’s sexual satisfaction. Leaning how to sexually communicate needs desires and boundaries, while listen to your partner’s needs is key on the path of closing the orgasm gap. Relationships where both partners have space and a feeling of welcomeness to openly articulate their sexual needs and interests, while having a receptive partner that will do the same are much more likely to report having a satisfying sexual relationship. Further, if one partner experiences challenges orgasming, they may hide this from their partner, and misrepresent their sexual experiences through practices such as faking orgasms. Within heterosexuality, women’s orgasms tend to be culturally understood as more important for their partners’ bolstering (to illustrate their sexual prowess) as opposed to for their own pleasure. This creates a sexual stress, which exasperates sexual challenges.

FOREPLAY!

Another key step on the road to closing the orgasm gap is de-prioritizing penetrative sex, and exploring a greater range of sexual play. To speak broadly from cultural rhetoric regarding cis hetero pairings, women’s pleasure doesn’t operate the same way that men’s does, as a general theme. Men may find themselves genitally focused, whether due to their authentic sexual desires, or due to the cultural conversations that illustrate this is how men ‘should’ behave sexually. Alternatively, many women tend to enjoy a slower ‘waking up’ of the body, starting with sensual touching of areas away from their genitals, and then slowly & non expectationally moving towards genital play. Of course, there are many exceptions to this trend - however, when exploring ways to close the orgasm gap, focusing on erotic, non-expectational, non-genital touch is key.

THE CLIT!

Clitoral sensation and play is critical for clit-owners to be able to access sexual pleasure and orgasm. There is a long history of the clitoris being largely or completely omitted from medical texts and educational information about human sexuality. The focus on the vaginal canal as a primary erogenous zone has resulted in a great deal of misinformation that prioritizes vaginal sex, which is not a reliably orgasmic experience. This is especially true within heterosexual hookup culture, where research has shown that men are not considering their partner’s pleasure within the encounter. Exploring clitoral massage, masturbation, or play using mouths, toys, and other body parts is yet another key to closing the orgasm gap.

And, of course, you’re so welcome to get in touch for a coaching or bodywork session where we can explore these topics of sexual communication, non-expectational erotic touch, and pleasure beyond penetration! Humans have evolved as collaborative and social animals - and these are traits we can expand with practice and guidance!

Unwinding Trauma from the Body.

Living with unresolved traumatic stress in the body may mean that normal everyday experiences like a friendly hug, a vacation, or a doctor’s office appointment feel unsafe and unwanted. Old nervous system responses to past traumatic experiences may be deeply grooved into the body in ways that result in unwanted or unsupportive physiologic reactions to things in the present day. Recognizing these patterns is key to expanding opportunities to live in relationship with what truly matters to us.

While we may want and long for greater aliveness, erotic freedom, and juiciness, or feel we ‘should’ be able to enjoy sex, we may find we’re not able to ‘think’ our way into this desired reality. We may try to override our physiology with conscious decisions to have sex - however, our Old Stuff may show up, and we might find our responses of fighting, flighting, freezing, appeasing, and dissociating arriving during or after the experience. Making a decision to pursue sex that is not interwoven with the body, spirit, and emotion may end up causing a deepening of traumatic pathways, experiences and patterns. 

One of the first steps to include the body during sex is to seek a sense of grounded safety, and to gently unwind these old patterns from our bodies. We need a felt sense of having a supportive environment, resources that serve us, as well as patience and compassion for ourselves. We need greater clarity of our patterns, and tools to help soften, unwind, and re-enliven the body from our Old Stuff that no longer serves.

Often unresolved trauma leaves us feeling off-balance - ungrounded, with frozen or numb or painful body parts, racing hearts, shaking limbs, challenged breath, and more. Gradually building resources and finding physiologic safety and stability in our bodies opens doorways to greater possibility and pleasure. These resources support us in feeling safe enough and brave enough to erotically explore. And, support us when challenges get unmanageable by being places of refuge - either outside of our bodies or within.

Through a blend of approaches, we may find our ways forward towards greater aliveness and resiliency by gently engaging with finding safe places in our bodies, memories, and environments; exploring our choice and voice; evolving loving kindness; connecting with our centre of gravity; identifying our triggers and their symptoms; re-engaging the body through intentional movement and exercise; and practice engaging both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system branches in safe enough ways to feel and notice both the excitement or anxiety of aliveness as well as the bliss or depression of stillness.

As we build up our toolboxes of resources that support us in thawing and feeling ourselves more deeply, the magic is in taking a neuroplastic approach to healing. We know that the brain and body continually evolves in relationship with their environments - it is never too late to make the choice to affect change and make moves towards what is longed for. Finding practices that feel pleasurable and sustainable, while determining what kind of consistency is sustainable is key. Five minutes of daily care is more supportive than 30 minutes once a week, or 3 hours once a month. 

Whether support is desired in grounding and centering yourself, developing self-soothing and self-stimulation resources, or cultivating your compassionate witness, I’d be delighted to offer the tools I’ve learnt to help during moments of anxiety, depression, overwhelm, or traumatic stress, as well as resources to slowly unfold into feelings of pleasure, bliss, and aliveness. 

Here are a few practices that might be fun to explore, if it feels right!

Grounding and centering helps create a feeling that we cannot be knocked off-balance by emotions, sensations, or thoughts. Perhaps explore standing your ground. Feel your feet on the ground, almost like suction cups. Notice the springiness or stiffness of your legs. With feet firmly planted like a well-rooted tree, sway slowly from the ankles - from side to side, from front to back. Keep your balance as you sway, feeling into the limits of possibility. How far from your personal centre can you safely sway, in this particular stance, at this particular moment? Feel the pull in you to keep coming back to center. 

When our systems get activated into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we need self-soothing and self-stimulating behaviours to calm and comfort ourselves. We tend to develop a collection of practices to support ourselves, however, sometimes the behaviours we practice may not support us in the long run. Perhaps explore getting physical. Self-regulating behaviours need to be physical in order to regulate the autonomic nervous system. We may find we are already engaging in self-regulating behaviours naturally and unconsciously. Finger and foot-tapping, rocking, blinking and playing with objects are ways to self-regulate autonomic nervous system arousal. By tuning into what happens in our bodies as we engage in these behaviours, we gain more awareness of the calming and/or enlivening effect they have on our physiology. Walk. Run. Skip rope. Play ball. Put on some music and dance. Notice changes in your muscle tension, posture, heartbeat and breath. What is calming and comforting to your body? How are you stimulated to feel more vital and alive?

As we explore healing experiences of trauma, neglect and feelings of shame, some of our greatest tools include cultivating compassion and kindness. Cultivating ‘compassionate witness’ consciousness - viewing one’s own emotions, thoughts and actions with loving detachment - means developing the skills to take a fresh perspective on the anxious rumination and intrusive distressing thoughts that are typical for trauma survivors. Perhaps explore touch as witness. Kindly and compassionately touch yourself. Or, receive kind, compassionate touch from a professional massage therapist or friend. Stay quiet and focus on your experience during the massage instead of chatting. Absorb a sense of being witnessed and cared for into your cells.

With thanks to Caffyn Jesse’s The Science of Sexual Happiness and Emily + Amelia Nagoski’s Burnout.

The Weave of Health and Pleasure.

What does it mean to be healthy? So often, the rhetoric of health is liberally peppered with classist, ableist, ageist, racist and phobic rhetoric that creates narrow windows of acceptable selfhoods. Often the bodies who don’t experience themselves as fitting into these windows are left with an individualized burden of shame and blame, which nourishes a destructive feedback loop of depression, anxiety, and wash of damaging chemicals that are anything but ‘healthy’.

We all live with the burden of body shame and health shame to some degree or another, and, instead of continuing to deepen the neural groove of expectation that each person can access perfect bodies with enough grit, diets, and plastic surgery, perhaps it is time to dream into new cultures. Making manifest explorations of what orienting to health would feel like if it were an opportunity to orient to pleasurable and nourishing experiences.

Perhaps this means inventing new language to speak to cellular and cosmic wellness. Perhaps this new idea of health holds in it that wellness is far beyond an individual project - the wellness of our communities and planet is also held in the arms in this new culture. Perhaps this new idea of health holds that anti-racist activism, gender expansion, and economic justice work is part of what it means to prioritize wellness. Perhaps this new idea underscores that the health and movement of our food systems is as important as the health and movement of our bowels. And, that in both instances, focusing on cellular wellbeing and nutritional density are a key component to surviving and thriving.

Perhaps this means creating art, porn, films, poetry, music, and children’s books with people in them like ourselves. Where we honour ourselves as beautiful and worthy of celebration as the expansive and perfectly imperfect beings that we are. Weaving empathy, compassion, common humanity, and kindness into our storytelling is an act of magic and manifestation in defiance of the shame and blame saturated in current media content of health and bodies.

Perhaps this means mapping out a diet of pleasure. Diet comes from the Greek word diaita, meaning ‘manner of living’. If our current model of diet, health, and body care is rooted from a place of self-denial and shame, that’s no ‘manner of living’ that is going to result in a life worth living. Instead we might ask ourselves “what are the seeds of joy within my pleasures?” “What is the true pleasure within this pleasure?” Through this we might learn more about what our diet of pleasure would entail. An attachment to high risk behaviours might indicate a seed of desire to cultivate extraordinary experiences. A love of sweet foods might indicate a seed of desire for the sweetness of life. Porn addiction might indicate a desire for transcendent ecstasy.

In this new culture idea of orienting to health as choosing pleasurable and nourishing experiences, perhaps we can hold the dynamic and tension of sometimes choosing ‘maladaptive’ or ‘harming’ pleasures, and that there is no ‘bad’ in that. And, with a steady and curious gaze, plus a willingness to deepen into the ‘whys’ with curiosity, we might find our way into deeper states of pleasure, with greater clarity about a new culture ‘healthy’ that is exciting, blissful, interdependent, and complexified.

With thanks to Caffyn Jesse’s The Science of Sexual Happiness.

Sex, Mental Health, & Social Media.

As a bodyworker and Somatic Sex Educator, I’ve been reflecting on the role social media plays in our lives. Both from the standpoint of deciding how I’d like to relate to it professionally, and how it impacts our bodies and access to pleasure, sexuality, and embodiment. Digital life and social media affects us in many ways, and I’d like to share some observations from my research.

When people spend time on social media, they dissociate to some degree. This means that a person ‘checks out’, and trains themselves to ‘check out’ - the skills needed to discern how to feel about a situation is diminished when a person is dissociated. And, capacity to engage in internal psychic boundaries is lessened. Lots of information that someone may not wish to invite into their inner world will make its way inwards via dissociated exposure to social media. Further, there is so much information being communicated that’s non-explicit in social media content. What are the stories underneath the stories, and are they being noticed? It seems a little bit like visiting an orgy without considering preferences, boundaries, and limits before leaping in.

Social media use increases dopamine - a yummy ‘happy’ chemical. Yet, when a person experiences a dopamine drop, things start feeling rough, and they go through withdrawal. As such, folks who use social media may end up chasing a high - increasing the amount of time on social media, and analyzing social media to figure out how to get as many likes/comments as possible; contorting and refining to become a ‘pleasing shape’ to people on the platform. This has some pretty serious impacts on a person’s sense of authentic self and personal identity.

Social media does not promote creative, curious, or deep thinking. Brain states are shaped by what they’re exposed to, and spending time on social media means that brains are being trained by whatever content is consumed - which among other things may include trolling, negative, or confrontational interactions. This results in neural wirings that deepen sensitivity and reactivity to this style of relating, whereas other neural wirings - such as the wirings involved in complex emotionally resilient conversations, or other non-social media leisure activities such as creativity, play, hobbies, reflection, or good old fashioned boredom get weakened and rewired.

Further, comparison culture is real - yet, this isn’t Kanas anymore where we might be “only” judging ourselves in relationship to neighbours, classmates, or co-workers. Now there are countless people & brands to witness who are communicating an idealized and contrived version of reality. It’s easy to fall into ‘lesser-than’ thinking, noticing everything that’s wrong or not enough about your own life, without remembering that this content isn’t ‘real’ or recognizing with gratitude things that are going okay or well in life. This has been shown to increase depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns. 

It may be worth taking a week or two off to get curious about if social media is affecting your quality of life, and, if so, how? If taking a break isn’t possible, are there other ways to get curious about how social media may be affecting you? If it doesn’t feel like there’s any challenge with social media and life, that’s wonderful. This invitation is coming from a part of me that notices that many folks name discontents with social media, such as noticing anxiety and stress while on social media, disconnection with the body, fear and paranoia, loss of vitality, and other really real effects of social media use.

For folks who are identifying that their emotions, mental health, sexual energy, or sense of self-worth are being affected by social media, there are some wonderful, simple, and actionable ways to address this. Firstly by managing exposure to social media! Take breaks and limit time on the apps. Also, by refining the content being visited. What kind of social media experience would you would like to have? What would be perfect? If you have chosen to take some breaks or limit exposure, consider filling that time with things that offer pleasure! If the premise of social media is about connecting with others and being inspired, perhaps consider real-life social contact on the phone or in person. Reading and writing. Creating and enjoying art.

Importantly, another invitation would be to explore finding pleasurable dopamine hits in other ways. As a Somatic Sex Educator, my suggestion would be though mindful pleasure-based practices! After all, social media causes damage to the brain’s capacity to focus on single tasks or experiences for periods of time. It also has a negative impact on libido and arousal. Taking the opportunity to learn how to focus and hold attention on pleasurable sensations in the body supports expanding a person’s range of capabilities. Rewiring bodies is 100% doable with some intention and attention. After all, for those of us with ‘social media brains’ our attention and intention created that outcome. Every person is always at choice in deciding what outcomes they would like to see with the dedication of their time and energy.

Further, for folks who have been raised in sex negative conditioning, traumatizing environments, religious communities, and other environments that are sex-negative (read: everyone!), choosing to turn towards pleasure and practicing mindfully expanding it has deep potential to rewrite stories and neural pathways away from the impacts of those harming experiences and towards more abundant and nourishing ways of experiencing pleasure. Our bodies are designed for pleasure, and feeling more pleasure is a matter of practicing deepening the range of pleasurable possibilities.

After all, the western world is conspiring to program each of us to orient away from pleasure. Instead, we are urged to stay in our thinking & problem-solving minds, and be enmeshed in abstract digital worlds where many folks end up feeling the need to be on guard, holding their breath, freezing their bodies, and scanning the digital landscape with defensive or offensive vigilance. Dropping back into the body, presence, and pleasure is a powerful disruption of this systemic and cultural force that is a part of modern life.

Oh, and one last thing about social media… Social media has a dedicated history of restricting and banning sex workers and other people working within the sex industry from having the same reach, access to income, and safety as other users. It’s no surprise that we live in a sex-negative culture, yet, restricting sex workers, businesses and educators from advertising or speaking plainly and abundantly about sexuality is an ongoing act of anti-sex cultural violence. This is doubly the case when the people in question occupy multiple marginal positionalities - sex workers, businesses, and educators that are IBPOC, trans or gender variant, poor, fat, old, experience dis/ability, or other ‘othering’ identities are more likely to be targeted online, and have their platforms hacked, frozen, or banned. Not to mention experiencing deep and real harm in the process. This is one of many ways in which marginal bodies are experiencing violent and systemic erasure from landscapes and being denied access to the resources needed to survive and thrive.

As a Somatic Sex Educator my work is in supporting people deepening experiences of safety, connection, and pleasure, and while in this article I’m certainly not interested in wrapping up by saying “So, you see, social media is BAD and WRONG and STAY AWAY!” because it is definitely a part of life that is often also unavoidable, educational, or inspiring. Instead, I feel a calling to ensure we’re complexifying and bringing to consciousness some of the issues of how it social media affects the individual, and how it affects the collective when it comes to mental health, community building, and each person’s fundamental right to feel sexually free and respected.

If you would like to learn more about the effects of social media, check out this helpful research article: “The ‘online brain’: how the Internet may be changing our cognition”.

Paying For Sex.

The question “should I hire a sex worker?” has come up often throughout my career working in the sex industry. Only you can answer that question, however I want to take a moment to weigh in on the topic by celebrating that sex work and sacred intimacy is a critical part of our history and social fibre, and that, if it feels right to you, it is a potent gift of self love to pay for sex or other erotic experiences. 

When hiring a sex worker, it’s a rich opportunity to indulge in something that you really want to do. There is no confusion about who the experience is for - it’s for you. There are so many unowned and complicated dynamics within sexual relationships that can confuse the question of ‘who is this for?’ when it comes to sex play, which can be cleared up within a professional container. Further, often there are attachment patterns and interpersonal dynamics that show up in sex - whether it’s via playing with a partner, friend, or hookup - that might be eased when erotic experiences happen within a paid container. This often offers some clarity about baggage: when might you be ‘giving to get’, enduring, not being clear about your desires, or doing one of the other countless things that we all do as messy humans playing the messy game of sex and intimacy.

A great thing about working with a professional is that you can seek someone out to support you in trying out something new, edgy, or vulnerable that you’ve been curious about. If it’s specific, maybe there are folks that specialize in what you’re curious about - which is such a fun ‘hands on’ way to learn about an interest! And, sex workers often have skills in supporting someone in an erotic experience, how to track an experience to ensure it stays on track and otherwise bring a host of competencies when working with you that a partner / friend / hookup might not have. Also! Sometimes there are things that a person might be curious about that they’re not even sure they will like. Working with a sex worker offers an opportunity to get curious about what’s a yes / no / maybe before embracing it more deeply.

For people who are not in erotic connections, navigating romance, dating, plus all the evaluatory energy of how your age/race/gender/body/intelligence/humour/class/religion is being perceived and treated may be A LOT. Navigating hookup culture may also be complex. Sex work offers a clear opportunity for you to meet your erotic needs without having to dance those dances.

To those in monogamous relationships… living in a culture that expects folks to be 100% sexually (and socially) monogamous is HARD. The strictness and narrowness of this form of living is a challenge for many. Hiring a professional offers the opportunity for a clear structure while also nourishing unmet needs, exploring new and ongoing desires, and bringing sexual excitement into your life. Sex work also offers a fun way to explore sexual goals you share with your partner that require another person to fulfil. Of course, reimagining relationship structures away from this strict form of monogamy is another valid option, and culturally needed because the impacts of this relational system have been deep and harmful. Yet, if you’re not at the point where dismantling and rebuilding your relational framework feels like a ‘yes’, sex work is a stellar way to still honour and meet your needs.

And, to those who have done the work of imagining an erotic life that includes erotic friendships, loverships, and/or partnerships that exist outside of monogamy… it doesn’t mean that all the arguments above aren’t also still real for you too! Introducing new people is still challenging (and perhaps you have a whole posse of folks that require consultation), and navigating meeting folks is also still challenging.

All of this said, I’ve saved the best point for last. Hiring a sex professional is great because they’re likely REALLY GOOD AT SEX! If we want to eat really good food, listen to really good music, and wear clothing that fits really well, why in the world would we not want to have sex that is also really good?! These folks are often sex nerds and many do personal and professional development to be good at their work - just the way that accountants and school teachers do. There are sex work specializations, and a variety of types of folks available to hire, from full service sex workers to erotic masseuses, to folks who specialize in BDSM and pro domination, to those who facilitate deeply spiritual work, to those who are interested in offering educational experiences. Sex work is old work and historically ranged from the deeply spiritual to delightfully specific, to practically functional. The same range of offerings still exist today.

In closing, sex workers dare greatly. Sex work is real work, and deserves to be considered just as legitimately as massage therapists or chefs - both of whom are specialists in pleasuring the body, yet neither of whom face stigma and danger in their work. It is 100% great if sex work is not your cup of tea, but it is also perhaps worthwhile to take a pause and get curious about how you actually feel about tea. How do you imagine it tastes, smells, feels in your mouth? Is there something you could do to make tea better for you? In what circumstances would you try tea? Have you spoken with tea-loving people? Have you tried a variety of teas and you’ve learnt that it’s just Not Your Thing Right Now? Who or what made you feel the way you do about tea? Who or what is served and harmed by you thinking that something’s not your cup of tea?

Lion’s Tooth Tenacity.

A few dandelions have popped up in my front yard and have inspired me to take a moment to celebrate this early spring healer. Dandelions (from ‘dent de lion’ or ‘lion’s tooth’) are old and important medicine. Early to arrive in the spring, they bring up much needed vitamins and minerals from deep in the earth through their strong taproots. Calcium, iron, potassium, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, etc. This naturalized plant (a plant that is not native, however, has found a friendly-enough place in the local community) offers a much needed early spring boost of warm colour and potent resources for humans, creatures, and soil as we all begin a new cycle.

Their taproots are ‘front-line workers’ in distressed soils: they break up compacted, dry, and under resourced earth so air, water, and earthworms can move in and begin to also revitalize. Their blooms and complete edibility offer resources for pollinators, animals, and humans. And when these plants decompose, they offer minerals and nourishment to the soil’s surface.

When I see dandelions, I feel a glow in my chest and belly. When dandelions arrive in yards, concrete cracks, and fields dry and tired from intensive agriculture, I see vibrant little signs that disrupted ecosystems are moving towards reclamation and repair.

To shift this conversation to the erotic and the body - no matter our causes & conditions, we all have patches, fields, lawns, or continents of landscape that may similarly feel compacted, neglected, or overworked. At times It might feel complex to survey the reality of ‘what is’ in our landscapes - to sit on the ground holding a handful of soil and wonder what in the world it is that we’re ‘supposed to do’.

Perhaps imagine for a moment that there are dandelions budding and rising up in the soil of your body. That there are revitalizing glimmers of pleasure, of sensuality, of eroticism. Maybe there’s sweet patches of dandelions. Maybe there’s one poetic loner in a sidewalk crack. Maybe there’s a radiant meadow. What would happen if you welcomed these moments of pleasure, sensuality, and eroticism? If you allowed their roots to pull nourishment up from deep within? If you tasted their nectar and nutrients? If you smiled at their plump sweet rays of sunshine? If you let them spread?

What would happen if you offered the dandelions in your soil the gift of your encouragement and protection? They’re tough and hardy - they don’t need fussing. But they do need to be saved from weeding, and to be understood as allies on a healing path.

The same can be said of your pleasure. No matter how it shows up - no matter if you think your pleasure and eroticism is supposed to be more like a rose or a tulip or a peony - it is exactly what it is. Your pleasure is unique and wild natural medicine. It arrives with the healing properties and lion’s tooth tenacity of the dandelion. What would happen if you stepped back and watched your dandelions as they grew, bloomed, and went to seed? How would it feel to watch seeds of repair and growth spread like little clouds across your skin and soul?

Transformation, Pleasure, Power.

I celebrate Grace Lee Bogg’s wise words that invites each of us to “transform yourself to transform the world”*. Many of us are sitting with the knowing that we desire a better and brighter future for ourselves, our communities, the planet. We become what we practice, and it is my feeling that by inviting more pleasure into our lives, we practice inviting more joy, feeling, rest, connection, slowness, contentedness and healing into our lives. Further, the world becomes what we practice, meaning that when we invite more pleasure into our lives we invite more joy, feeling, rest, connection, slowness, contentedness and healing into the world.

My work is build from a foundational desire to support folks as they explore what’s working and not working in their own lives: with sex, pleasure, boundaries, selfhood and relationships. To create an opportunity to invite more of what we want into our lives, to move towards what we long for.

For me, choosing pleasure means inviting more of our yes’es into our lives, more of what fills our cups. And, this certainly isn’t simply about sexual pleasure. Pleasure means naps. Pleasure means art and handiwork. Pleasure means sex. Pleasure means singing. Pleasure means gardening. Pleasure means meals with friends. Pleasure means writing. Pleasure means activism. Pleasure means dancing. Pleasure means cuddles with pets. Pleasure means walks. Pleasure means long showers. Pleasure means a good spanking. Pleasure means sitting in silence with a cup of tea. Pleasure means music. 

We are all taught constrictive and limiting beliefs about the acceptable and unacceptable pleasures we should enjoy, and when to enjoy them. As a result, many of us are left with feelings of suffocation, lifelessness, being broken, wrong, ‘not enough’ or ‘too much’ - yet it is also an undeniable truth that our current social system is fundamentally pleasure negative and disinterested in honouring the multitudes of the human spirit. Perhaps it’s time to take matters into our own hands and massage life and light into the artful complexities and hungers of what it means to be human.

After all, as Oscar Wilde (might have) said, “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power”. I firmly believe that when we explore pleasure and our root selves, we’re actually exploring much more. That an embodied relationship with our sexual voice and choice is an embodied relationship with our power. An aware relationship with our libido - our sexual energy - is an aware relationship with our life force energy. Cultivating mindful and pleasurable practices with ourselves is cultivating mindful and pleasurable practices with our local and global communities and planet.

*learnt via adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism